watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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