God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
two words...techno handjob
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
