I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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