Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
