We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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