I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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