Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
