...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
