Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so let's talk penis.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
