They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
