My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
