Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
