Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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