Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
