I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
