every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
