genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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