Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize