I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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