Michael Bay diarrhea
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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