The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
