I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
