you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its not stalking. its research.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
