Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
