Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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