I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
