Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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