I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
