i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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