I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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