I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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