I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
