Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
