So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize