My liver just broke up with me...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
