waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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