Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
