Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
