considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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