Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
