Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
