You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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