1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
