if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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