smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
