you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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