I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
