the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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