God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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