having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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