Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
