I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
