SEEEEXXX PLEASE
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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