It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
