just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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