wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
