True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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