I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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