I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
